The More We Get Together
I have a friend who has strong political views (Don’t we all). We have been friends for decades and share many things in common. Even though I don’t always see eye to eye with him, I value his friendship, and we have stayed in close contact through the years.
A few weeks ago, he e-mailed me to share his outrage over a political issue. I carefully read his note and decided to reply. Usually, when he vented his feelings about something political, I just let it pass. I have found that arguing with friends about partisan politics is seldom productive and can be destructive.
In this instance, however, I felt the need to respond. His anger was based on information that I felt was extremely one-sided, and if he had a more complete picture, I thought he might, if not change his view, at least be more tolerant. I sent him several articles that presented a different perspective to the one he held and asked him to read them and get back to me.
He responded to me within a few minutes. I could tell from his message that he was not pleased that I had sent him the articles. He wrote, “You should know me better by now that I don’t read that kind of junk. I know the truth and those people only peddle lies to confuse the naïve and uninformed.”
Well, so much for my attempt to help my friend see a bigger picture. I didn’t immediately write back, feeling that it would only further provoke him.
It saddens me that so many people in our country today have similar attitudes about reading or hearing information they don’t agree with. Unfortunately, America is deeply divided. It’s almost as if people living within the same geographical region are citizens of two different countries. Abraham Lincoln, taking a page from the Bible, warned that a nation divided against itself cannot endure (Matt 12:25). Regardless of which side of the political divide we find ourselves, I think most everyone would agree that if we are to survive as a nation, we have to find ways to come together.
Recently, I came across the lyrics of the children’s song The More We Get Together and found them meaningful for our country today. Maybe there is something children can teach us about the value of coming together. Do you remember the words?
The more we get together
Together, together
The more we get together
The happier we’ll be . . .
How is it possible to “get together” when the issues that divide us are so very deep, with seemingly intractable barriers? I spent almost 40 years of my adult life serving churches as a pastor, and learned to work with people who had different religious as well as political convictions.
My ministry with diverse congregations taught me that friendship and love for people could not be based on whether they agreed with me. I was minister to all the people, liberals and conservative, Christians and non-Christians, Republicans and Democrats. A minister’s calling is to care and shepherd all the people.
Perhaps what I learned during those years can help us engage in today’s political discourse without alienating our friends or sacrificing our integrity. Remember, however, timing is everything. Choose when to push back and when to let sleeping dogs lie. In other words, allow a person to calm down before engaging in a sensitive discussion.
One thing I learned was that God alone has all the answers. A person can study the issues, be well-informed, and still be wrong. Arrogance, thinking that one has all the answers, and the inability to take other people’s views seriously leads to fractured relationships. I learned quickly to give people space to disagree with me and still be valued. When people feel respected and cherished, even when they disagree with us, much of the sting is removed.
Something else to keep in mind is that in many disagreements the truth is usually somewhere in the middle. Politics, not unlike theology, seldom has only one right answer. Serious issues are usually complicated and often a persuasive argument can be made regardless of which side of the aisle one stands. Our perspective is based frequently on what benefits us personally or what best fits our cultural upbringing. As I reflect back on my ministry, I have realized that often, when engaged in a controversial discussion, the truth did not belong fully to either group. While each view may have had strengths, there were also weaknesses.
When we recognize there are always two sides to an argument, we can be more flexible, tolerant, and open to compromise, or agree to disagree in a civil manner. The Founding Fathers recognized that a democracy could not survive without compromise. From the beginning of our history, compromise has served to bring people together and move our nation forward. In any healthy and successful organization, be it a nation, marriage, or company, compromise plays a pivotal role.
Third, listen to people who disagree with you, listen closely, and learn why their thoughts differ from yours. Over the years, I found that when I seriously considered what someone was saying, more times than not, I found myself in greater sympathy with their opinion and less resolute about mine. That didn’t mean I changed my mind, only that I could see the issue from their point of view, with more understanding. My strategy with people I disagreed with was not to convert them to my view, but to understand where they were coming from and why, and to keep the channels of communication open.
Usually, we pay little attention to those we disagree with and are simply interested in our own position and what we will say next. When we work to understand another perspective, we not only show respect, which keeps the divide between us from growing wider, but we also enlarge our viewpoint by filling in some of the spaces of our own ignorance, never a bad thing.
Finally, seek first to build relationships, not win arguments. Life is made better in relationship with other people. In fact, I believe God makes his presence known to us most clearly through human relationships. To win an argument at the expense of a relationship diminishes our relationship with God. What profit do we gain if our arguments are spot on, but we miss the mark completely when it comes to how God commands us to treat others? Humility, kindness, gentleness, love are always appropriate, regardless of the subject matter.
Well, several days later I wrote my friend a rather long e-mail. I explained to him that the reason I had sent him the articles was because they represented my point of view. I wanted him to know that even though we disagreed, I cared about our friendship deeply. He was like a brother to me.
It didn’t take long for my cell phone to ring. It was my friend. I wasn’t sure what he was going to say, but as I slid the “Accept” panel on my phone, I hoped for the best. He plunged right into the issue, and said he didn’t put me in the same category as the people who wrote the articles.
I asked him why he didn’t lump me in the same category.
“Why, you’re my friend,” he said. “I know you!”
When we value each other as friends, even those with whom we disagree, we will be well on our way to “forming a more perfect union,” the goal of our Founding Fathers when they drafted the United States Constitution. They knew then, even as we know now, the fate of our nation rests with us!
