When Should Grieving End?
Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday. Perhaps it is the cooler weather or the fall foliage or the anticipation of Christmas that heightens my appreciation for this season of the year. Certainly, they all play a part, but what makes Thanksgiving special for me is family. I cherish the time I am able to spend with family. It is not unusual for a Thanksgiving meal and the conversations that follow to last all afternoon at our house. How I love discussing theology, philosophy and the current events of the day with our family.
Yet there are dear people who are missing from our table, whose voices I long to hear, whose absence cannot be bridged by an airplane or some other mode of transportation. They have passed from this world and still I cannot let go of them. My dad passed away when he was only 52. My mom lived into her 90s and died in 2012. After a long illness, my brother died in 2016. Hardly a sun sets that I don’t think about them. I still miss them and find myself, from time to time, grieving their deaths.
Even though my parents and brother have been gone for many years, holidays, in particular, are difficult for me. During these past few days, as I do every Thanksgiving, I have reminisced about my growing-up years. I think of my mom scurrying about in the kitchen, apron strung around her waist, stuffing the turkey, fashioning the dough for the pumpkin pie and teasingly scolding my brother and me to stay out of her way. She pretended to be annoyed when we sampled the dressing to make sure there was enough sage or opened the oven door over and over again to see how Tom Turkey was doing, but in reality, she enjoyed the banter and meddling.
My dad had his responsibilities, too. He was in charge of properly setting the table, making sure the fireplace was blazing, and last but not least, carving the turkey. He also loved watching the Macy Day Christmas Parade, providing running commentary on the different floats, and evaluating with thumbs up or down the various bands and music pieces.
Holidays bring back cherished memories for many of us who have lost loved ones. We may catch ourselves working through grief all over again. Thoughts may turn to a spouse who has passed away, and the wonderful holidays shared together, and we may find ourselves unable to hold back the tears. Some of us continue to mourn the passing of our parents or a dear relative or friend. For many of us holidays can trigger emotions of grief and loss that cause us sadness and pain.
When should grief end? If we continue to think about and mourn the death of a loved one years and years after they have gone, are we pathological? Are we refusing to face reality?
Some psychologists and professional therapists think so. A number of these professionals suggests that after six months or a year the grieving process should end, and we should move on with our lives. Emotionally healthy people do not hang on to those who have gone, or so some experts tell us.
On occasion, I have wondered if maybe something was wrong with me. Why could I just not let go? Thoughts of my deceased parents and brother continue to surface, filling me with memories of events long ago. Am I clinging too tightly to the past and missing the importance of the present? Do I need to see a therapist?
Mikolaj Slawkowski-Rode
Recently, I was heartened to read the article, “It’s OK to Never ‘Get Over’ Your Grief” by the University of Warsaw professor, Mikolaj Slawkowski-Rode. He believes that prolonged grief is not necessarily a sign of a mental health issue. In fact, Rode writes that just the opposite may be the case. To continue to grieve over the death of a loved one may, in fact, be beneficial. He reminds us that before the 20th century, the loss of someone dear might include a grieving process that would last the rest of one’s life. There was no set period of time to end grieving or move on with one’s life. Mourning was a way of “preserving a place for the dead among the living.”
The grief process began to be reevaluated toward the end of the 19th and beginning of the 20th century, significantly influenced by the writings of Sigmund Freud. Freud believed that the inability to let go of a deceased person was pathological, a sickness, that prevented the one in grief to get on with his or her life. The deceased, in Freud’s view, would want the living to move on, to be happy and liberated from the pain that the deceased’s death caused.
To continue to think about our loved one’s death was labeled as a “prolonged grief disorder,” similar to post-traumatic stress disorder. Therapy was recommended to people who could not let go to help them cope and move on with their life. This belief fit right in to a modern culture that was becoming increasingly hedonistic and self-centered. Why should we think about the dead when the present life offers so much?
The Warsaw professor believes by distancing ourselves from the dead, we lose a significant thread in our lives. Rode writes that by keeping their presence “alive,” so to speak, we can draw strength and solace by believing in some way our loved one is still with us. By sharing our joys and sorrows with deceased loved ones, their memories can serve as a kind of emotional anchor that helps stabilize our lives in an often chaotic world. Often I have spoken to my dad about both problems and successes, even though he was buried long ago. Somehow, just by visualizing his presence and remembering the sound of his voice, I derive encouragement and even clarity of direction for my life. In a sense, my loved ones are still with me, and I never feel completely alone.
When someone we love leaves this world, our world changes, becomes a little darker, as though a light has been extinguished. When our thoughts turn to that loved one, and we remember their relationship with us, the experiences we shared, the joys and sorrows, it is as though a flicker of light momentarily brightens our world. Our life becomes more meaningful, more full and complete. Memories allow us to reconnect with the love that was lost.
Yes, we may feel melancholy, too, when we continue to mourn. It may cast a shadow over our holiday festivities to think of our loved ones who are not at the table with us. Yet, we may also feel a closeness, a presence, that warmly touches us and reminds us that their love has not been lost, but remains only a memory away.
