Where There Is a Will
I could tell by the exasperated look on the young woman’s face that she was put out with me. Her jaw muscles bulged and her lips were pursed. It was obvious that she did not like where our conversation was heading. “But,” she protested, “I know I can change him. I know I can make him the man God wants him to be.”
The woman was to be married in a couple of months, and had come to see me because of some concerns she had about her fiancée’s drinking. She explained that when they first started dating a year or so earlier, he drank only socially or while watching a ballgame. But in the past few months it seemed that he always had a drink in his hand. He never appeared intoxicated, and she believed that maybe he was just nervous about the upcoming wedding. Since, in a few months, I would officiate their wedding, she hoped that I could give her assurance that everything would be okay.
When I could not provide her with that assurance, she grew agitated and defensive. I had known this woman since she was a teenager, and I deeply cared about her and wanted only the best for her. But the stories she shared with me about her fiancée’s drinking raised alarms. I mentioned that his drinking may be more than a passing phase.
I suggested that maybe they needed to postpone the wedding until he honestly faced his drinking problem. “It is hard for any human being to change,” I said, “and to think that you have the power to convince your fiancée to stop or moderate his drinking may be too much to ask. He may not be able to control his drinking.”
Before I could finish my next sentence, she interrupted me again and started telling how wonderful her fiancée was and how much she loved him. “I just know it will work,” she kept repeating. “I know he loves me, and I know I can help him stop drinking once we’re married. If we can just get through the pressure of this wedding, everything will be okay.”
The distraught bride-to-be came to see me hoping that I would confirm her feelings that the man she loved was simply going through ordinary prenuptial jitters, something that every groom experiences. When she realized I wasn’t going to do that, she grew frustrated and soon ended the conversation and left my office. Two months later, with a heavy heart, I performed the wedding ceremony for the young couple and hoped for the best.
Many of us have loved ones or close friends who struggle with addictions of one kind or another. Professionals estimate that there are more than 21 million Americans living with an addiction. My mother was addicted to nicotine and regardless of how often her doctors advised her to stop smoking, or how often we pled with her, she would not, nor did she want to. Her quality of life, as well as the quality of our family’s life, suffered as a consequence. Addictions negatively impact a wide circle of loved ones and friends, not just the one who is addicted.
Addictions can cover a range of areas from substance abuse, such as alcohol, drugs, and nicotine, to gambling. Eating disorders fall into the category of addictive behavior as do sexual addictions like pornography. Some people even become addicted to the internet and social media. People can become addicted to almost anything that dominates and controls their life. I’ve known people who became addicted to religion, where they were so heavenly minded, they lost interest in their families and jobs.
Addictions are difficult to overcome. To think that we can change those who struggle with addictions by simply loving them will usually lead to disappointment. But change is not hopeless! If our love for someone who suffers with an addiction is also accompanied by concrete steps to effect change, change can take place. It all depends on whether the person wants to change. Without a person’s buy in, change is unlikely.
According to Harvard Health, there are five actions that can help a person kick an addiction or destructive habit. Each action, however, must be followed, and for many addictions, such as substance abuse, professional help will also be needed.
One, Set a definite date to stop. You’ve heard people jokingly say, “Tomorrow, I’m going to start my diet,” or “Tomorrow I’m going to stop drinking.” But tomorrow never comes. They continue with their addictive behavior to their own detriment. Set a date to stop your addiction—maybe on your birthday or anniversary. Ask friends to hold you accountable, and when the time comes, stop. It won’t be easy, but as the ancient philosopher said, “A journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step.”
Two, Change your environment. If you go to a bar after work, stop going there. If you have friends who are complicit in your addiction, choose new friends. If the internet tempts you, stop using it. Move away from any environment that facilitates your addiction.
Three, Find alternatives to your bad habits. If your addiction is food, for example, try going out for a brisk walk instead of opening the refrigerator. If you are addicted to social media, try visiting a book store and find a good book to read. Or perhaps join an exercise class. Seek out meaningful face-to-face interactions with friends. Engage in a new hobby, say, learning a foreign language. If you change your habits, you can change your life.
Four, Review your previous mistakes. If you’ve tried in the past to end an addiction but failed, think about why you failed. Write down the reasons why you didn’t succeed, and then write down what you need to do to succeed. Keep the list with you and refer to it every time you are tempted to fall back into your destructive pattern.
Five, Join a support network. There are support groups for a wide variety of addictions. People within these groups are struggling with the same problem you have and can be of immense help. I have attended several Alcohol Anonymous meetings through the years with dear friends, and listened to the testimonies of alcoholics. These people are nonjudgmental, and they joyfully seek to help other problem drinkers stay sober. Their stories can be encouraging and uplifting, especially to those who think they don’t have what it takes to quit.
Less than a year after I performed the ceremony for my young friend, she left her husband. Several times throughout their brief marriage I had tried to encourage the husband to seek professional help, but he refused. He said he didn’t need any help, that he didn’t have a drinking problem. It is common for an addictive personality to deny they have an issue. The first step in overcoming an addiction is to admit, “I need help.”
I wish the story would have had a happy ending, but it did not. Yet, I could tell you story after story of people who had addictions and overcame their problem. If there is the will, there is a way to change.
